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NEJAUKU

also known as many moons
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PLEASE HELP

6 min read

I guess it’s time for another one of these rare updates from me.

This time it’s a bit different. I never thought I’d come to this.


First of all, for the n’th time I would like to thank everyone for being incredibly patient with me. I could not ever express my gratitude enough for this. I owe a pile of apologies and I don’t even know how to word most of this.


I am aware that people are looking for me. I’ve become the absolute worst at communicating. I do not check my social media. Even if I do, I end up forgetting to reply or feeling awful about it. It has come to a point where I no longer reply to my friends or even my family. Anything I manage to check I will reply to in my head, even a couple of times but never proceed to actually do it. I reply to one, maybe two people in general. That being said, please do not pester them. They are not responsible for carrying out replies for me and it is not a way to get around this. This is not intentional but more of a conscious thing and I am not sure what’s causing it. I feel awful for becoming distant with everyone and I wish I could fix this. I am very thankful for one person in particular for helping me get through things on the daily.


I have sought help. I’ve gone ahead and spent a month going through clinics trying to figure things out. They ended up diagnosing me with a pile of issues; most that I strongly disagree with. Regardless, the result was not fun and I still don’t know what’s kicking me mentally and physically. I can’t make myself do basic tasks sometimes. Some people pointed out it may have been symptoms of ADHD. I’ve been put on medication as well, which I am extremely unhappy with. I can’t even afford it to begin with and now I have medical bills haunting me (even though healthcare here is supposedly ‘free’). I feel like zoloft and xanax are not a solution to my issues, they have in fact, made me even more lethargic and avoidant of doing things; the only difference is that I’ll be fine about not doing anything instead of worrying about it. I also fear the long term effects this medication could bring.

Additionally, I was supposed to have two surgeries this year that I also can’t afford. They’re not mandatory, I can live without them.


A lot of my issues come from pure stress. When I moved out, I relied solely on my commissions as it is still until this day my only source of income. That means I took commissions regularly, carried them out, and took more. It was fine for a while until I started slowly burning out or just generally being unhappy with my process and results. I slowed down, but living costs were more than I could afford. Which means I took on more before finishing the earlier queue and it kept stacking up. My queue is long and it gives me a sickening feeling just thinking about it sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I've given up. I am still kicking out these commissions one at a time. I’ve been avoiding taking more as much as I can. I understand if people want refunds.


I live one day at a time too. I get paid for the day, buy food, and pray I have more by the time I have to buy food again. I am constantly late on paying rent. In fact, my rent is due tomorrow and I currently have 18 cents in my bank account for days straight. There is a chance we will just get kicked out. We can’t even afford food. Fortunately, my roommate is getting a new job here soon, he’s already been hired, but before he can pitch in we still need to cover some expenses and even then, he can’t cover everything and neither can I. It is only a small portion of what is needed. We’re considering moving in another person but it is not about them helping us even though it may ease things in the long run.


Giving up art entirely comes across my mind even more often now. I will be wiping my gallery here soon to make a fresh start. Maybe it will help me some. The only thing stopping me from dropping it most of the time is the fact that I need to make a living somehow. It’s no longer as enjoyable as it used to be and I’d like to either change my style or the way I work about things.



Unlike the last time I posted updates, I haven’t been posting much or at all, especially on deviantart. That is because I did not either have the motivation or the will to draw. I’ve been selectively picking what to draw and for the most part I feel like I’ve been entirely burned out by drawing adoptables or references in general. They take a lot of effort and it is mostly the only thing that people want from me. I am no longer as fast at working either, I used to be able to draw a few things per day and be fine with it whereas now it is taking me a couple of days to finish one thing. I can no longer do it in one sitting.


In summary, I’ve become what I feared to be, I was afraid of being in this position and mostly looking like I’m purposely ignoring people. That is not the case. I simply don’t know what to do about it. I am drowning in debt and stress. I currently have about 200€ to pay for medical stuff (they’re threatening to fine me for not paying it in time), 1,200€ to cover university expenses because I dropped out, 400€ that we borrowed for the last month's rent, 470€ DUE TOMORROW in rent alone, 90€ overdue in bills, 120€ upcoming in bills next week, around 1,000€ to move in someone important, around 1,000€ in people seeking refunds, we also need food and I really, really need to take care of myself and my own body in general. I’m not including the two surgeries (they’re not cosmetic, if anyone is interested to know i can talk about it more in private). I literally don’t know what to do. It is an endless cycle of me taking more commissions to refund my previous commissioners and keeping little to none of my gains to afford any of this. Looking for a job is more than difficult because of my college schedule and art on the side and my family is only bringing me down instead of helping me. I am scared of talking to people at this point.


Please help.


I have a ko-fi set up if anyone is interested. I can offer whatever you want in return.

https://ko-fi.com/nejauku

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PLEASE HELP by NEJAUKU, journal